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Showing posts from 2015

Grief Resurfacing

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I have been slacking on blogging. Probably because most nights I work until about midnight and don't even have time to journal.... But today I feel the need to write. The last couple months have been interesting to say the least. If you read my last post, you remember that I had just started seeing a personal trainer. To say the least, I was not her biggest fan. I am finished training with her and despite her trying really hard, I am "on my own". I still really struggle with getting to the gym though. I really need to work on that. However I did lose a pound in the last week so that's progress.... Back in September, Dan and I met up in Las Vegas (NO WE DID NOT GET MARRIED) to go to a wedding of a friend of mine. We had a wonderful time there and it was great to have some time for just the two of us. I had been on a GREAT streak of my fitness... I'd worked out 6 days in a row (which hasn't happened in over a year).... And then I came down with the st

One Year Later

There have been a few "One Year" anniversaries since I have blogged. There was the one year anniversary of Grandpa's death back in June. I started writing a blog entry about that, but never finished it... But most recently was the one year since being diagnosed with depression. With it being a year down this road, it has made me evaluate where I was and where I am now. I have made A LOT of progress, but I still don't feel like I am where I need to be. I am still on meds and still have days when I struggle. Still, for the most part I can function. Dan was here for 7 weeks this summer and it was wonderful. On the flip side, though... When he had to go back to California I was a complete wreck. Initially I told myself that when he left I was going to get a ton of stuff done (like housework and errands), but when he left all I could do was lay in bed and cry. (I was able to go to work, but cried there too). I should have been productive that Saturday but all I did was

Stuck and Apathetic

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It's been quite a while since I have blogged. A little over a month ago I made an appointment with my doctor to re-evaluate my meds. I had felt like things weren't getting better and I'd hit some situational things and we decided perhaps I needed to increase my meds. So we did. Increased the Zoloft to 75 mg a day and also decided to revisit in about a month and if things were not better to add in Welbutrin. Zoloft is a stabilizer and Welbutrin is more of an "upper". My life lately has been slightly out of control. In the words of my mother, I just can't seem to catch a break. :( My stress level has been through the roof and it seems like everything just keeps going wrong and I'm getting overwhelmed and frustrated with life in general. But things aren't all that bad. I took a short (4 day) vacation to California which was WONDERFUL. It seems, though, that as wonderful as that trip was ever since I got back I'm just as (if not more) overwhelmed

Grandpa's First Birthday In Heaven

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Tonight was week 5 of GriefShare. Yes, I'm still going. There was some question about how helpful it was since a part of me felt like I was more of a helper/leader than I was a "participant". But I am getting some healing out of it, so I continue on. Last Tuesday was Grandpa's birthday. The morning was a little rough and I listened to my "Grandpa" playlist on my way to work. One thing I noticed was that I can now listen to "How Great Thou Art" without breaking into tears. That has to be progress, right? Work itself went okay. Kelly brought me flowers and a sweet card so that helped. After work I had a staff meeting and the way it all worked out was really unfortunate. It was on a Tuesday which is when I have GriefShare, which I thought would be really good for me with it being Grandpa's birthday, but the meeting with mandatory. GriefShare is in Loveland at 7, and my meeting was in Greeley at 6:15. We got out a little after 7, so I book

GriefShare Week 2

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Tonight was my second week of GriefShare which I'll be honest, I was less than thrilled about. I did my 5 daily exercises this week and it seemed like so much of it would have been helpful to do back in August when I was first diagnosed with depression and starting to go through things. For the most part the last week was actually really good. Things seem to be falling back into place and going really well. In fact, they are going SO well I almost didn't call my doctor to increase my meds... But the last time I thought things were going great they came crashing down again, thus the need to increase the meds. So I did it anyway. I suppose it's better to stabilize my emotions, rather than deal with the roller coaster that has been my life. Saturday I had to be at the church to make chili with the youth and it really put a lot of things into perspective for me. Last year I didn't make it there in time for chili making. Casey handled everything for me because I was stil

GriefShare Week 1

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Have you ever heard of GriefShare? I never had until my counselor told me about it a few months back. The best way to describe it is it's like an AA meeting for people dealing with grief. When I first heard about it, I looked into it but all the sessions were nearing the end.... And while they say you can start at any time, I'm slightly OCD and needed to start at week 1. So I waited it out and started tonight. One of the rules of GriefShare is that what we talk about stays there, so I will not be blogging about what other people say. More my reaction to what is said. Each week we will watch a video and have a discussion. During the week I have 5 different days of exercises to do in my workbook. One thing I've really struggled with in most of my depression and grief work is my relationship. As I deal with the losses of Cassandra and my grandpa, I feel like other people think I shouldn't still be focused on them. In the books I've read and the people I've

3 Month Check.... And no I'm not pregnant

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When I went on Zoloft, my doctor said she wanted to see me back in 3 months to see how things were going. There was a big mix up with my prescription getting refilled which led to a freak out on my part because what happens if I run out and don't have a refill? So I set up the dandy little 3 month appointment. It was with a different doctor because my doctor was pregnant when I first started seeing her and is now gone. Sad. I really liked her. Now here's the thing... With the beginning of the year I was feeling like things were starting fresh. I was back to eating healthy, I was actually going to the gym, I'd signed up to do yet another 21 day challenge AND I'd signed up for a Run 2,015 miles in 2015 and I knew I could do it. Things were looking GREAT. And so I went in to my appointment and told her how well things were going... I was taking my meds, I was going to counseling, I was going to get into a support group, LIFE. WAS. GOOD. So she said she'd write my