Thursday, September 7, 2017

The word I hate the most

I  have been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks. And I have decided the word I hate more than anything is.....


JUST


It's weird right??? Probably not what you were thinking. Let me explain why for a minute. 

All through my life,this word has been used to define me one way or another. Here are a few examples.
  • Just a girl
  • Just a preschool teacher (Do you ever want to be a real teacher or is this it?")
  • Just an aide
  • Just have a bachelors degree.
  • Just an HDFS student
  • Just a babysitter/nanny
  • I just lost 35 pounds
  • I just ran a 5k
  • I just did a sprint triathlon
  • I just came in dead last
  • Just an average student
I could keep going but I Think you get the point. I recently started tutoring and I love it. One reason is because I have people (parents) who are looking to me for help and they ask me for advice and treat me like I am educated and for the most part. I have not gotten that before.

I have heard people say to just ignore it and not listen to those things that are said, but when you hear it over and over again,how can you not start to internalize it?

I am looking at going back to school and for the life of me cannot decide on what to go to school for and I think a big part of that is this internal battle I have of needing to prove something, (as in I'm not just __________) but also being scared that I'm not smart enough. All the things I have come up with require a big test before I can even apply and that fact alone sends me running the other direction. 

It makes me really sad that there are so many jobs out there that have this connotation of being "less than worthy". I don't have the answer of how to fix this though. Sadly,our world does not have equality and I don't know that it ever will.  And until that happens, I feel like there is going to bet his weird dynamic where people do things to try to prove a point, show status, etc. 

I am trying to improve how I see myself because I know it could be much better. Blocking out the naysayers is hard work, but I'm trying every day. 

Do you hate the word just? What's the word that brings you down? Do you like your job? Are you proud to tell people what you do or do you dread when they ask?

Happy Friday eve friends!!!


Disclaimer: I wrote this on an iPad. My computer died 4 months ago and I can't afford a new one so i am using dans old iPad. Please forgive any typos and lack of pretty things.

Monday, March 13, 2017

One year......

So today marks one year since my last day working for a church.

One year ago, I left the church and honestly..... have barely set foot in a church since. I went to my mom's church (the church in which I grew up) a few times (Palm Sunday, Easter, once in the summer and Christmas Eve) but other than that this girl has been a non-church-goer.

To be honest, what I went through a year ago has kind of left me bitter and scarred when it comes to the church. It left me with a really bad taste in my mouth. As time passed, people who told me would keep in touch didn't and I even got to hear first hand some people saying some really ugly things about me... As if the transition wasn't hard enough. It wasn't all bad though. I have a handful of people who have remained faithful and supportive friends throughout the last year.

Oh yea... and in the last year I moved to California. :) In July, I packed up all my stuff in a Penske truck that Dan got to drive from Colorado to California (And he loved it so much) and I drove my Camry. So while my heart has been trying to deal with what happened, I got a nice change of scenery.

Seriously... a change in scenery. I live in wine country

There have been many times when I have thought how nice it would be to find a church out here, when I think of doing it my stomach starts churning in knots. It's tough because it's how I was raised- I went to church every Sunday and a part of me feels like I should and that if I don't, my grandpa (among other family members) are going to be disappointed in me. But then there's also the part of me that doesn't want to face it. I don't want to meet those people who will be nice to my face but then talk about me when they think I can't hear. I would rather spend my Sundays with Dan (or the reality: babysitting, grocery shopping and food prepping).

I recently decided with Lent approaching, I should probably start trying to find a place. So I did what every millennial does.... and I went to a couple local groups on Facebook and asked for recommendations. From there I did a little online research and found a Methodist Church in the next town over (about a 15 minute drive) and I went to their Ash Wednesday service. The church was tiny. To give you an idea.... they had a combined service with the Korean church they share the building with and there were about 40 people there.... and 10 were in the choir. I stuck out like a sore thumb.... But people were nice. They smiled at me, and greeted me during the greeting time, the pastor gave me a welcome packet. They acknowledged me but they didn't all surround me like crows surround a carcass. It felt like they saw me as a person, not as a possible member (Read: Money). And that was really nice. I haven't been back yet. Last Sunday we had to make an impromptu trip to Ikea and this weekend Dan's mom was in town. (I figured it probably wouldn't be the best ideas to approach the two Jews and say "hey! Wanna go to church??") I want to go to a service on Easter morning. I believe that church is having a sunrise service on the beach. So that sounds absolutely dreadful. We might go to that one, but I am still exploring what is out there.

It's weird that it has been a year. So much has changed in the last year. But you know, as my mom said when we first started going through all this, it really has been for the better. Even with all the heartache of losing friends and being told that your best isn't good enough, it shows you who is there for you 100%. And though I may not have as much money, I have more time to enjoy life. And isn't that the whole point of life?

These are the faces of two people happy to not be doing long distance anymore!

Will I ever be the girl I used to be who would go to church every Sunday? I'm not sure. I would like to find a place that I can call "home" so I can go when I want to, potentially not every weekend. We will see if I ever find it. If not, it's not really a big deal I suppose. There are other ways to meet that spiritual need.