Tuesday, February 3, 2015

GriefShare Week 2

Tonight was my second week of GriefShare which I'll be honest, I was less than thrilled about. I did my 5 daily exercises this week and it seemed like so much of it would have been helpful to do back in August when I was first diagnosed with depression and starting to go through things.

For the most part the last week was actually really good. Things seem to be falling back into place and going really well. In fact, they are going SO well I almost didn't call my doctor to increase my meds... But the last time I thought things were going great they came crashing down again, thus the need to increase the meds. So I did it anyway. I suppose it's better to stabilize my emotions, rather than deal with the roller coaster that has been my life.

Saturday I had to be at the church to make chili with the youth and it really put a lot of things into perspective for me. Last year I didn't make it there in time for chili making. Casey handled everything for me because I was still such a mess from Cassandra's death. I stayed in bed most of the morning and finally put make up on and curled my hair for the first time since she died. A year later I am functioning much better. I still have my days, but it was interesting to see how far I've come in a year.

Anyway, back to GriefShare...

I actually talked tonight. I feel like I can give people some advice on how to get through things, so I guess that's helpful.

Here are some things that came up for me while we watched the video:

  • I'm there physically, but I'm not there.
    • This was SO ME!!!! Sometimes I still feel like this. I get so wrapped up in what is going on, but I was mostly like this in Seattle. I know I've mentioned this before. I still just have a hard time accepting that's how I was on my first trip as youth director. 
  • I'm afraid. I shut myself off from people so as not to feel pain if you lose them too. 
    • I have definitely felt this. In fact, after the year I had in 2014, I definitely thought to myself that I was glad I wasn't in a relationship and possibly never wanted to be in one because I wouldn't want to have to go through that loss or have someone else go through the loss if I died first. 
  • I didn't want to deal with life so all I did was sleep
    • I feel like this has lightened up a bit in my life, but for a long time this was definitely me. Constantly tired ALL THE TIME. 
  • Looking for NEW pictures of Grandpa. Wanting to tell him about the good/bad things that happen in life.
    • I would love to see new pictures of Grandpa and me. Still working on my memory book (Well I haven't worked on it in months actually) makes me wish I had more recent pictures. There is a period of time where there are none and that makes me sad. I guess I regret that I didn't spend more time with him. The thing that makes me the saddest is that he can't see me working at the church and I know that would make him SO PROUD. It also makes me sad that he won't be able to officiate my wedding (if that ever does happen) and achieve great things. I am happy that he was able to see me graduate college, but if I ever go to grad school (something that keeps getting put off) it makes me sad that he won't be able to be there to see me do that. There are a lot of things that he's going to miss out on. And that makes me sad. 
  • To cope remember DEER (Drink, Eat, Exercise, Rest)
    • Okay so in the movie they talked about exercise but said this doesn't mean going to the gym. It means something as little as just going for a walk. Start with small steps and build up from there. This is something I've been trying to focus on. This last week was actually really good for me in the gym department. I went to Hip Hop on Wednseday and took it pretty easy.... And even got called up to the front to help lead "Treasure". I was pretty shy and not super happy but it was a good experience. I was feeling pretty alone and that helped. Thursday I went to the gym again with the goal of walking on the treadmill for 1 mile. At the end of 1 mile I wasn't really ready to stop so I kept going and made it to 2 miles! Part of it was I was definitely fueled by a few songs that played on my Ipod during my walk. Sometimes when I play my Ipod I pray for songs to be played that I need to hear. I think maybe that happened. The songs that helped me were: My Angel by Kellie Pickler, Materpiece by Andy Grammer, and Shut It Down by Pitbull. 
  • My Faith Isn't Working
    • Before the video we had a conversation about our prayers not being answered and it wasn't until this portion in the video that I was brought back to Seattle. I went into the trip knowing that Grandpa dying was a possibility but I prayed and prayed that it wouldn't happen. Every tunnel we went through, when I held my breath I wished and wished that he would live until I got back from the trip. And as we all know, that didn't happen. And I guess it took tonight to make me realize I still harbor some anger at that. I'm angry that I wasn't able to be fully present on the trip. I'm angry that I didn't come home to be with my family. I am just angry at the ONE THING I prayed for for so long didn't happen. I don't know how I am going to get through this anger because what's done is done and there really is no changing it. 
One thing that also came up for me tonight is my impending happiness. Yes, things have gotten better but a part of me is still afraid to be happy. Being happy means I'm not sad. And if I'm not sad does that mean I've forgotten him? I know he wants me to be happy, but I just don't want to forget him.

To Better Days
~Jessica

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