Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Stuck and Apathetic

It's been quite a while since I have blogged.

A little over a month ago I made an appointment with my doctor to re-evaluate my meds. I had felt like things weren't getting better and I'd hit some situational things and we decided perhaps I needed to increase my meds. So we did. Increased the Zoloft to 75 mg a day and also decided to revisit in about a month and if things were not better to add in Welbutrin. Zoloft is a stabilizer and Welbutrin is more of an "upper".

My life lately has been slightly out of control. In the words of my mother, I just can't seem to catch a break. :( My stress level has been through the roof and it seems like everything just keeps going wrong and I'm getting overwhelmed and frustrated with life in general.

But things aren't all that bad. I took a short (4 day) vacation to California which was WONDERFUL. It seems, though, that as wonderful as that trip was ever since I got back I'm just as (if not more) overwhelmed and struggling real bad.

One thing else I have noticed is that I am just full of apathetic feelings. And this was my fear of going on the meds in the first place. And it's funny because I noticed this after going to (yet another) Andy Grammer concert.

We had VIP tickets with meet and greet and we were late leaving Fort Collins and there was a chance that we would miss the VIP aspect. My reaction? It's not a big deal. The concert was good, but I guess I wasn't as excited as I have been in the past. Part of it could be due to the fact that it was my 11th one so I wondered if the excitement was just wearing off.


The day after the concert it was announced that he was going to Headline The Taste Of Fort Collins this summer. TOFC is my FAVORITE weekend of the summer. 3 days of music and food in my amazing little town. Could it get any better? (The answer is no). After it was announced, I had multiple people ask me if I was freaking out. And I wasn't. I heard the news and my thought was "oh. cool." the end. Again... Not sure if it was because of how many times I have seen him or because my favorite DJ's aren't there anymore and I'm not quite over that one yet.... Or if it's the meds.

These 2 events brought it to the forefront of my mind. Maybe something is up. And I started to notice that these aren't the only times I've felt apathetic. It's about a whole lot of things. I mentioned it to my counselor and she said I should probably mention it to my doctor. So tomorrow morning I will be doing just that.

It's frustrating because I feel stuck. I feel like I've been at this for so long (It's been 8 months since I was diagnosed) and I just fear I will never get back to happy Jessica and what happens if I'm never happy again????

The last few weeks have been SUPER hard on me. My stress level has gone through the roof. On the Saturday before Easter I came down with a HORRIBLE stomachache and couldn't really eat anything. I figured it was a fluke, but it was still there on Easter Sunday too. There was a thought that it may be an ulcer (caused by stress). I am definitely in need of a break from life but I do not see that happening anytime soon. :(

I'd had a really hard night last night and spent the latter part of my evening in bed crying. I woke up exhausted and not in the best mood. I had a hard time getting out of bed and then was running late and had to put gas in my car, etc... When I finally got to work I heated up my lunch and right as I was walking in the classroom my lunch spilled all over the floor... And that was just the beginning of my awful day. Tears were shed at work and I just wanted to go back to bed. I got in the work van to go pick up some kiddos from school and the first song that came on the radio was "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. It was a good reminder that I need to not give up and I need to find the fight that I have left in me.



After a really tough day at work I still managed to go to Hip Hop, despite not really feeling it... Not sure if it really helped, but it didn't hurt I suppose. Hoping for some answers tomorrow and maybe my life to get back on track soon.

To better days
~Jessica~

1 comment:

  1. When your going through hell keep on going! I'm in a similar ebb and flow pattern and the weather is NOT helping! Keep moving because someone somewhere needs you! Also Wellbutrin has the Apathetic side effect, so maybe talk about another option or up another tier via insurance prior auth, as you are not feeling any bit better <3 hugs!

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