Friday, March 22, 2013

How many pounds lost equals success?

Tomorrow is the big day! It's video shoot day! I said I wasn't going to blog until after it, but I'm feeling awfully inspired and bloggy tonight (I just made that word up). So here goes.

This week was ROUGH to say the least. It was very taxing emotionally and sent me to a really dark place. I was thrown off early in the week by a conversation with someone who doesn't really know a lot of my history, but hears me talking about health/fitness stuff fairly often- because let's face it.... that's pretty much who I am these days. Basically, this person had asked me how much weight I'd lost and then the reaction was "really? that's it? The way you talk, it sounds like you weighed 800 pounds."

Cue knife in the gut. Wanna twist it a little more?

I found myself trying to justify everything. But the bottom line is that comment made me feel as if I'm just not good enough. That 40 pounds is nothing to be proud of. The challenges I've overcome are nothing to be proud of. And unless I have a big number nearing 100+ pounds, then I need to just shut my mouth. I just kept hearing it over and over again in my head and the self doubt started seeping in. I got to the gym after work and had a pleasant surprise of running into some friends first thing. I was asked about my Fitbook and was saying that it makes me have OCD and the response I got was "I'd have OCD to look like you." (WOAH! Total confidence booster!) and then I ran into someone else I know from there who said "what's new? Other than losing 5 pounds in a week" (which by the way isn't true). Those two statements cheered me up a bit, and then I had hip hop where I pushed myself really hard and was so proud. (*See Note*) But the funny thing is those positive comments aren't what stuck in my head. It's the one negative comment I heard that I keep hearing over and over in my head. Like a broken record.

*I had this plan that I would video a little bit of hip hop for the video. I wanted to get clips of both that and aqua boot camp to include, so I went to the desk to ask if they'd do it for me, but as it turns out I hit another roadblock. In order for that to happen, they have to have everyone in class sign a waiver, which they didn't have prepared. They offered to do it next week. I was feeling frustrated and disheartened and in the end I just decided not to have that part of the video because it's a big old pain. (Weird- even if people aren't even IN the video they still have to sign the waiver).

Between this, the comment I'd heard earlier in the day and the one from my last blog... AND watching the Biggest Loser finale..... it was just too much. I was cracking under the pressure and there was one major question in my mind:
"Why am I even bothering with this success story??" 
A part of me just wanted to call off the whole thing. I'm not at my goal yet. I always told myself I wouldn't celebrate it until I hit that point, and here I am- 6 pounds away from that celebration..... celebrating prematurely. And the funny thing is that the more I thought about it the more I knew it was stupid for me to be upset. But here I was.... upset. And I wasn't entirely sure why. Because from the VERY BEGINNING I said this was for me. FOR ME. Not anyone else, but me. I didn't do it to inspire others. I didn't do it to get a boyfriend. I didn't do it to please my parents. I did it for me.

Yet here I was.... upset because for once, someone wasn't impressed by my hard work. And chalked it up to no big deal because it wasn't a huge loss. But to me, it WAS a huge loss. I overcame obstacle after obstacle to get to this point. I proved to myself that I am a fighter and through it all, I really am proud of myself. Yet for some reason, I cried my way home from the gym that night.

The next few days were still pretty rough, but I have really great friends who gave me pep talk after pep talk and helped me see the light. I still went to the gym every day but I feel like I was still so down in the dumps that they weren't quite what they could be. And then I got a couple signs....

I was driving to work yesterday and  "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I've heard this song countless times, but for some reason it caught my attention yesterday.

"Catch my breath, no one can hold me down, I ain't got time for that.
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now."

And just like that- it clicked. I have GOT to rise above this. Naturally... I'm a hard headed child and this didn't FULLY kick in until today. :) I only worked half a day today and had to finish shopping for more workout clothes for the video. I started this task about 2 months ago. So I hit up Nike. Ohhhh boy I was like a kid in a candy store! I went in search of pants, and stumbled upon this shirt.... We'll call it sign #2.
Did I buy it? YOU BET I DID!!! It serves as the perfect reminder of why I am doing this. I'm pretty much in love with it.

I did get some pants too. I had quite the interesting experience trying on pants because I started out with Larges (because apparently I still think that's my size?) and ended up buying  a pair of smalls. Hooray!

This week was weird. Full of self doubt but in the end it turned out awesome. Video shoot is tomorrow and I must say I'm pretty nervous about it. Not sure exactly how it's going to go but it should be okay. I have some great plans with friends lined up for after so at least that's good. :) I just need to keep telling myself not to compare myself to others and that my best is good enough. :)

I hope you all had a lovely week and are better at putting up that wall against the haters than I am. Clearly I need to work on that a bit more. :) Have a great weekend!!!!!

~Jessica~

 


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