Friday, September 19, 2014

Going Back

I haven't written in a while. Partially because I've been crazy busy. Partially because I haven't been motivated to do so.

Last week's counseling session came with more homework. wee!
So.... in my last post, I mentioned how I needed help and a huge thank you to those who offered. I also need to work on ASKING for help. I experienced a lot of frustration with people, who I thought should know what to do. It turns out people aren't mind readers so I need to work on voicing what I need.

I did number 2. Contacted a friend, we did dinner one night and worked out one night. Good to be around people again, but I'm still not myself and I get this horrible feeling of guilt for that and I feel the need to apologize to everyone for not being fun Jessica.

One reason I tend NOT to ask for help is because I feel like a burden. I don't want to stress anyone out. Apparently most of this thought is not true so I need to cut that out.

Last week there was a big mix up with paychecks and a co-worker had asked me if I would bring hers home with me and deliver it to her. I texted her on my way home and she was heading out to dinner with some friends. In the process of trying to figure out how we would make the exchange happen, she invited me to join them. Of course I said "I don't want to intrude on girls night" but she assured me I wouldn't be, so I went. And it was a lovely time. AND it also provided me with lunch 2 days this week. Win win.

Saturday was an extra hard day for me. I had signed up for a workshop at a church my grandpa served back in the 70s. I was a little nervous about it and had an emotional drive down Saturday morning. Upon getting there, I found a plaque that had his name on it.
As far as the workshop goes.... I honestly couldn't tell you half of what we talked about in it. My mind was definitely somewhere else. After the workshop, I went over to my office to get some work done for Youth Sunday. Two of my youth e-mailed me what they had prepared. One of them is preaching and one is giving a testimony. And both mentioned my grandpa. 

It's weird. I mean, there were 13 people with me as I was going through all of this. I know they saw me. I guess I just didn't realize how much if affected them as well. I still remember being shocked when we had devotions the night my grandpa passed and 90% of the people said their low of the day was getting that news. 1 of the people there had met him. The rest never did. But as I sat in my office and read these retellings of their experience through my experience... It just hit me. And there I sat. and cried. 

With Youth Sunday being in 2 days, I am not going to reveal anything else. If you want to hear it, you need to come! It's going to be amazing. I just know it. 

After that I went to my parents house and took a nap. Then I started going through pictures.... Massive meltdown. 

I also have been working on the slideshow. Which has also been super emotional for me. Every picture tells a story. And every picture from that trip, when I look at it, I can pinpoint the exact feeling. There's one that I can look at and say "that was the last time I was genuinely happy". There's one that was taken right after I got the call. There's one taken just hours after I found out he had passed and I can just tell I'm just trying to keep everything together. I decided to put my grandpa's favorite song, How Great Thou Art, in the slideshow. It goes well with the pictures and it was also my way of paying tribute to him... It is also impossible for me to watch that slideshow without crying. 

I put the song on a cd and decided to listen to it in my car. It makes me feel closer to him. But it also makes me cry. A LOT. I'd been listening to it in the mornings on the way to work. That may have been throwing my days off. I'm going to try listening to it at night instead. 

This week was just hard. I'd been staying up late working on stuff, overwhelmed with work, and crying A LOT. Before, it was just sadness. Now it's extreme crying. 

I did get to spend some time with my dad last weekend and that was nice. It had been a rough day, so we just watched tv and talked a little bit. I also talked with some other family members throughout the week. It was nice to know that they are there and that they are also grieving. Sometimes I forget that. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who gets it. 

I guess I'll just keep on keepin on....
To better days
~Jessica

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