Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Gymspiration, where have you gone? I miss you.

This blog is gonna be a quick one. I really want to go to bed. :)

I'm not really sure where to start. Back in March/April (it's been so long I've actually forgotten when it actually happened) I hurt my knee and my workout regimen got put on hold. In one way I kind of saw this as a blessing in disguise as I had just worked out A TON and really hard, trying to meet a goal and to be honest, I was burned out on the gym. I was ready for a break. But I was not happy about being injured. My doctor said I could go to the gym and start going on the bike 1 minute and increase a minute every day. Which I did for about a week and then decided I was over it. Didn't wanna go to the gym, change, and then go ride the bike for 3 minutes. Seemed dumb. Then my knee slowly got better and after a while my doctor said I could go back to the gym and start with the stairs. I hate stairs. So I didn't go. Could I have been going the whole time and do upper body? Yep. But I made excuses, because I'm good at that. And it just made me sad that I couldn't do it all.

My knee recovery was VERY slow. I tried to go back to Hip Hop and Aqua Boot Camp before my knee was ready and I paid for that. My biggest fear through this whole injury was that without working out, I would gain weight. And when that didn't really happen, I was kind of shocked. I had figured out a way to maintain my weight without working out. Now, I wasn't at my goal weight, but I wasn't far from it and as time went on I put on a few pounds, but I was still in the range I'm in while working out so I didn't worry about it too much. I figured when I got back to it, I'd take care of that fast.

And in the last few months slowly but surely I've lost control of how things were. Have I been working out? Off and on. I started doing Pure Barre which was my biggest focus, but that's frustrating because it's not a cardio workout which is essential for weight loss. Between working 2 jobs now, my full time job being switched up a little bit and having my work load be INSANE leading to me being stressed outta my mind and constantly EXHAUSTED, at the end of the day, do I really want to go work out? Nope.  I used to eat a perfectly portioned bowl of cereal for breakfast every morning before heading off to work. Now I have to be at work earlier, which leaves little time and so I've just been eating at work. Mistake number 1. I used to pack my lunch every day. I've been just eating with the kids. Mistake number 2.

And the biggest mistake.... I've been doing A TON of stress eating lately.... and stress eating is NEVER good healthy food choices. So there's that.

Last Saturday I decided it was time to light a fire and get back so I decided to do my intense leg workout (one that I haven't done since I got hurt, and even at my peak it was challenging). I was afraid to do it due to my knee but I paced myself.... and IT. WAS. HARD. I almost gave up in the middle of it too. There was a ton of pep talking. I had to convince myself that I could do it. And I was so proud of myself. Unfortunately, I was sore (abs, legs, butt, ALL OF IT) to the point I could barely move.... for the next 4 DAYS!!!!! So while I should have gone to work out after work, I told myself I couldn't even move, so I had to go home.

Yesterday i went for a run before I went to Pure Barre. Today I decided I was going to go to the gym and run for cardio and then do a muscle group. Now last week, I worked 70 hours. I'm still not totally recovered from that. I'm still exhausted beyond belief. I went and ran. And during my cool down, I looked through my fitbook at possible workouts and in my head I heard the same thing for all of them. "NO. I don't want to do that. That's hard!"

I weigh myself weekly. It's not a big deal to me, it's mostly just to see, to make sure I stay on track. This morning when I weighed myself it was like a slap in the face. I had gained about 3 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it shot me into the next 10s digit. I told myself, "maybe now is the time to hire that trainer." Right before I got hurt, I told one of the trainers at my gym that I was going to hire him for my birthday. Then I put it off because I was hurt, then I kinda quit working out. A part of me feels like i need that accountability. So my goal tonight was to go talk to him. Didn't see him. I actually don't think he even works there anymore. I digress.

So between the weigh in (which didn't make my day a very happy one) and my negative self talk and being exhausted, before I left the gym I knew something needed to change. So I texted my old trainer. I decided to get her opinion on things before I hired someone else.

And here's how it went
Me: (Not really knowing what to say so here's what I went with) Okay so.... basically I suck. I feel myself slipping into old habits and I let that dumb injury become my biggest excuse for everything. So here's your chance to beat me over the head tell me what an idiot I am, tell me to get on the stairs and do sprints. (But really, just motivate me to not suck at life anymore).
Trainer: I think you are starting to motivate yourself!!!! Everyone has lulls in their gym motivation and everyone has moments of needing to remember why they started working out in the first place. So.... Why did you buy those first sessions with me? What thought/desire got you in the door the day of your free session? What standards are you holding yourself to?  Remember it's you against you. No one else will make you get to the gym and eat healthy. No one else will give you motivation. It's your responsibility.

Okay, so despite the fact that tears welled up upon reading that, this is why I love her. She knows how to say just what I need to hear, but not yell at me. And she got me thinking.... So here's what I've come up with.

Why did I start working out in the first place?
        I initially joined 24 hour to start training for a triathlon. My ultimate goal. Still haven't made it                 there. I was in talks with Team In Training when I got hurt. BUMMER.
Why did I buy those first sessions?
         I NEVER even CONSIDERED personal training. But for some reason I was intrigued when                they mentioned the intro package. I figured I might as well just give it a shot.
What got me in the door that day of my free session?
          Well at that point I think I'd paid for the into package so the money was a factor, but also the fact           that someone was expecting me helped. That was a big factor in my success in the beginning. It              wasn't just me. Someone else would notice if I wasn't' doing the work and they would be                       disappointed in me. And I didn't want that.
What standards am I holding myself to?
           I honestly don't even know the answer to this one. My biggest thing is that I am so afraid of                    letting people down and I know a lot of people look up to me, see me as inspiring and                            motivating and when it comes to situations like I'm in now.... I feel kind of like a fake.

So now I must set some goals for myself. I need to start tracking my food again (that's my biggest enemy) and actually getting my butt to the gym and getting in those workouts. Yea, my life is busy but I need to just figure it out. So bear with me as I figure this out.

I will get back to where I was. If for no other reason but the fact that I hate feeling this way. And I deserve better than that.

Here goes nothing.....

~Jessica!

2 comments:

  1. Just remember you are the best person ever. You have lived through worse, and you have the ability to do anything. If you want me to call you and help motivate I will. You are an inspiration to me!! Don't get stuck! Don't give up! And go to the gym when you can. May not be everyday. That's Ok! Love you jess

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    1. You are THE BEST. Thank you so much. Knowing I'm not alone and that people don't want me to fail is very helpful. Made it to the gym 3 days in a row so that's a step in the right direction. :)

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