Back at it.... yet again.
To be honest, I kind of forgot I had this blog and it popped up the other day and I thought maybe it's time to revamp it, even if only for myself. When I originally started this blog it was because I was at the peak of my fitness journey. I'd lost about 35 pounds and was only a few pounds from my goal weight. I had become this fit girl who loved working out and cooking healthy. I started the blog because one of my friends at work said "Hey, you should start a blog!" and I really thought it would be great if I could help people.
And then life happened.
Honestly, I'd say the big shift happened around the triathlon and shortly after when I was diagnosed with depression. Training for the triathlon took A TON of work. I was working two jobs at the time and even though the race itself didn't go as great as I had hoped (though I did cross the finish line), when it was over I remember walking into the gym and thinking "I don't want to look at a bike, a treadmill or a pool." I was burned out. A few weeks after my triathlon, my grandpa died which devastated me and a couple months after that I was diagnosed with depression. I never even considered that what was happening was depression. I was actually reading a book on weight loss when I realized I wasn't eating as much as I should have been. I realized that eating a spoonful of peanut butter and then being full wasn't normal. I realized after eating one meal a day because the rest of the day I wasn't hungry wasn't normal. Other things with my body were off too so I went to the doctor to see what the heck was going on and that's when they told me it was depression. And it made sense, but it wasn't something I ever considered. My biggest struggle was that I had no energy for anything. And people said "Jessica, if you work out, you'll feel better" but I didn't FEEL like working out and so it was a vicious cycle.
Since then I've dabbled with the gym and just not been able to find the me that's been excited about working out. I keep hoping I'll find her, but not much has helped.
When I moved to California, the second day I was here we went and joined the gym. It was different than the one I went to in Fort Collins and for the first few years of being a member there I went maybe once a month. Sometimes I would go months without going.
For the most part, I've been able to maintain my weight. Though as the last 4 years have gone on I've slowly gained weight little by little and have gained about 15 pounds since I was so close to my goal.
Last summer I was determined to get back on track and find "old me" and I started working out more. And with that, my grandma's health was failing and I knew it wouldn't be much longer for her and I was absolutely TERRIFIED that my depression would resurface. It was then that I decided I needed to hire another personal trainer to give me that extra push. And since then it's been kind of an ebb and flow. There would be periods of time where I felt like I'd found old me and then there would be periods of time where I just didn't want to go work out. It also didn't help that in times when we I worked really hard, I wasn't seeing the scale move. We were also doing other measurements and there would be tiny shifts here and there, but then a "bad" month would happen and the measurements would go back to what they were. This past December I realized that I was almost 35 and enough was enough. I decided that I wanted to hit that goal weight by my birthday in May. I had 17 pounds to lose, but I was willing to put in the work. I pushed myself hard. And after a couple of months when I'd only lost about two pounds, I saw that goal slipping further and further away. And when my birthday arrived in May and I was still 17 pounds from goal, I was frustrated.
Something is just NOT working. Something needs to change.My weight went up yet again so I decided to join a dietbet, despite having never won one before to see if maybe that sort of accountability would help get me back in gear. Also, I was not feeling challenged by my trainer in the way that I had been in the past and I found that I was having a hard time figuring out what to do in the gym on days I wasn't training with her. My gym posted some results of another trainers clients on instagram and I was super impressed so I asked to switch to him and I had my first session with him on Saturday and sweet mother it was brutal.
Warmup: 100 squats
Superset: Leg extensions 60# (20 reps) and walking lunges down and back. Do that 3 times
Deadlifts 10 sumo, 10 regular 40# Do that 3 times
Calf raises 20 reps 90# Do that 3 times (3rd time up the weight to 110#.
Cardio: Stairmaster 1000 steps.
It was tough. Like really tough. I almost started crying, but I felt like it was a good reminder of how far I've fallen and that I don't want to end up here again.
We talked about nutrition. It's been 8ish years since I first walked into 24 hour fitness and revamped my life. And what I learned is how to take the foods in life that I loved and make them healthy. I did not restrict anything and it has worked wonderfully for me. When I restrict things it makes me crave them more and then I "fall off the wagon" and binge. Every time I have tried to do a fad diet I have failed. It flat out doesn't work for me. That's why I was so successful 8 years ago, because I just made small changes and worked hard to maintain the deficit and if I wanted a treat I would work that in.
He wants me to do intermittent fasting. So, no eating until noon. I eat every 2 hours until 8pm. From 8pm-noon I can drink whatever I want, just no food. So water, coffee, soup, etc. Between the time I joined the dietbet and when I trained with this new trainer I'd lost like 4 pounds. And since Saturday I have gained it all back. Now, let's also factor in that Friday night was tequila tasting (and we went out for pizza afterwards) and Saturday we had a wedding to go to. HOWEVER... I knew these were happening and didn't want to derail my progress so I made sure to go to the gym Friday and stayed "on track" with me eating the rest of the day. And Saturday prior to the wedding was my training session so I basically figured whatever I ate didn't matter since training was so intense. We got thin crust pizza and I worked on my self control.
So I'm not totally sold on this intermittent fasting thing just yet or how hard I am being trained as it is now Monday and I still can't walk. My plan is to give it a go for like a month/until we do measurements/the dietbet is over and then reassess. In the mean time I am going to be looking back on my original blog posts for inspiration of what I did "at my peak" and hopefully finding old workout journals to see also.
This time around it might be more difficult because my body has done this already and so it's more resistant. My trainer says it won't respond to calories in calories out. Boo. Also the exercises I've been doing for the last 6 years my body doesn't care about so we need to shock my body. Well my body is DEFINITELY in shock right now.
In all honesty, I'm super overwhelmed right now because EVERYONE has an opinion on how to lose weight. It seems everyone is trying to sell something whether it's a workout program or supplement or something. There is SO MUCH out there and it's hard to know what is right and what is feasible for my life.
Mostly I'm mad. Mad I let myself get to this point. Mad I've struggled with my weight most of my life. Mad I didn't just fight harder when I had depression. Mad I got depression in the first place. Mad that I haven't worked harder in the last year. Mad I've splurged more in the past few years than I did before. Mad that this is freaking hard. Mad that I can't walk right now. Just mad in general. Mad that I feel like I'm doing everything right but the scale isn't moving. Mad that I focus on the scale. Just mad.
I will do my best to keep this thing updated. Likely it will happen on Mondays or Tuesdays as that seems to be my lull in schoolwork when I get some time to just hang out. I suppose we will see how this goes.
And then life happened.
- I picked up a second job
- I switched my main job
- I trained for a triathlon (more on that in a second)
- I was diagnosed with depression
- I started a long distance relationship
- I lost my second job
- I moved to California
 |
| My original transformation |
 |
| Current |
Honestly, I'd say the big shift happened around the triathlon and shortly after when I was diagnosed with depression. Training for the triathlon took A TON of work. I was working two jobs at the time and even though the race itself didn't go as great as I had hoped (though I did cross the finish line), when it was over I remember walking into the gym and thinking "I don't want to look at a bike, a treadmill or a pool." I was burned out. A few weeks after my triathlon, my grandpa died which devastated me and a couple months after that I was diagnosed with depression. I never even considered that what was happening was depression. I was actually reading a book on weight loss when I realized I wasn't eating as much as I should have been. I realized that eating a spoonful of peanut butter and then being full wasn't normal. I realized after eating one meal a day because the rest of the day I wasn't hungry wasn't normal. Other things with my body were off too so I went to the doctor to see what the heck was going on and that's when they told me it was depression. And it made sense, but it wasn't something I ever considered. My biggest struggle was that I had no energy for anything. And people said "Jessica, if you work out, you'll feel better" but I didn't FEEL like working out and so it was a vicious cycle.
Since then I've dabbled with the gym and just not been able to find the me that's been excited about working out. I keep hoping I'll find her, but not much has helped.
When I moved to California, the second day I was here we went and joined the gym. It was different than the one I went to in Fort Collins and for the first few years of being a member there I went maybe once a month. Sometimes I would go months without going.
For the most part, I've been able to maintain my weight. Though as the last 4 years have gone on I've slowly gained weight little by little and have gained about 15 pounds since I was so close to my goal.
Last summer I was determined to get back on track and find "old me" and I started working out more. And with that, my grandma's health was failing and I knew it wouldn't be much longer for her and I was absolutely TERRIFIED that my depression would resurface. It was then that I decided I needed to hire another personal trainer to give me that extra push. And since then it's been kind of an ebb and flow. There would be periods of time where I felt like I'd found old me and then there would be periods of time where I just didn't want to go work out. It also didn't help that in times when we I worked really hard, I wasn't seeing the scale move. We were also doing other measurements and there would be tiny shifts here and there, but then a "bad" month would happen and the measurements would go back to what they were. This past December I realized that I was almost 35 and enough was enough. I decided that I wanted to hit that goal weight by my birthday in May. I had 17 pounds to lose, but I was willing to put in the work. I pushed myself hard. And after a couple of months when I'd only lost about two pounds, I saw that goal slipping further and further away. And when my birthday arrived in May and I was still 17 pounds from goal, I was frustrated.
Something is just NOT working. Something needs to change.My weight went up yet again so I decided to join a dietbet, despite having never won one before to see if maybe that sort of accountability would help get me back in gear. Also, I was not feeling challenged by my trainer in the way that I had been in the past and I found that I was having a hard time figuring out what to do in the gym on days I wasn't training with her. My gym posted some results of another trainers clients on instagram and I was super impressed so I asked to switch to him and I had my first session with him on Saturday and sweet mother it was brutal.
Warmup: 100 squats
Superset: Leg extensions 60# (20 reps) and walking lunges down and back. Do that 3 times
Deadlifts 10 sumo, 10 regular 40# Do that 3 times
Calf raises 20 reps 90# Do that 3 times (3rd time up the weight to 110#.
Cardio: Stairmaster 1000 steps.
 |
Check out those stats! |
It was tough. Like really tough. I almost started crying, but I felt like it was a good reminder of how far I've fallen and that I don't want to end up here again.
We talked about nutrition. It's been 8ish years since I first walked into 24 hour fitness and revamped my life. And what I learned is how to take the foods in life that I loved and make them healthy. I did not restrict anything and it has worked wonderfully for me. When I restrict things it makes me crave them more and then I "fall off the wagon" and binge. Every time I have tried to do a fad diet I have failed. It flat out doesn't work for me. That's why I was so successful 8 years ago, because I just made small changes and worked hard to maintain the deficit and if I wanted a treat I would work that in.
He wants me to do intermittent fasting. So, no eating until noon. I eat every 2 hours until 8pm. From 8pm-noon I can drink whatever I want, just no food. So water, coffee, soup, etc. Between the time I joined the dietbet and when I trained with this new trainer I'd lost like 4 pounds. And since Saturday I have gained it all back. Now, let's also factor in that Friday night was tequila tasting (and we went out for pizza afterwards) and Saturday we had a wedding to go to. HOWEVER... I knew these were happening and didn't want to derail my progress so I made sure to go to the gym Friday and stayed "on track" with me eating the rest of the day. And Saturday prior to the wedding was my training session so I basically figured whatever I ate didn't matter since training was so intense. We got thin crust pizza and I worked on my self control.
So I'm not totally sold on this intermittent fasting thing just yet or how hard I am being trained as it is now Monday and I still can't walk. My plan is to give it a go for like a month/until we do measurements/the dietbet is over and then reassess. In the mean time I am going to be looking back on my original blog posts for inspiration of what I did "at my peak" and hopefully finding old workout journals to see also.
This time around it might be more difficult because my body has done this already and so it's more resistant. My trainer says it won't respond to calories in calories out. Boo. Also the exercises I've been doing for the last 6 years my body doesn't care about so we need to shock my body. Well my body is DEFINITELY in shock right now.
In all honesty, I'm super overwhelmed right now because EVERYONE has an opinion on how to lose weight. It seems everyone is trying to sell something whether it's a workout program or supplement or something. There is SO MUCH out there and it's hard to know what is right and what is feasible for my life.
Mostly I'm mad. Mad I let myself get to this point. Mad I've struggled with my weight most of my life. Mad I didn't just fight harder when I had depression. Mad I got depression in the first place. Mad that I haven't worked harder in the last year. Mad I've splurged more in the past few years than I did before. Mad that this is freaking hard. Mad that I can't walk right now. Just mad in general. Mad that I feel like I'm doing everything right but the scale isn't moving. Mad that I focus on the scale. Just mad.
I will do my best to keep this thing updated. Likely it will happen on Mondays or Tuesdays as that seems to be my lull in schoolwork when I get some time to just hang out. I suppose we will see how this goes.
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