Thursday, October 23, 2014

One Step Forward.... Two Steps Back

I thought I was making good progress and then this week happened.

My last counseling session, we talked about how social I'd been (which wasn't very). I kind of quit reaching out to people for a little bit. Part of that is probably because it was no longer my "homework". So when she asked I had said that I hadn't been very social, but I had a very social weekend coming up that would make up for that. Even in my counseling session I'd said I was a little nervous for the weekend and thought I might be trying to do too much. That should have been my first clue.

Friday evening, I drove down to Denver for a friend's birthday party. We had a good time laughing and what-not. Still, my social anxiety seemed to be acting up a little bit.
I <3 him

I only stayed a few hours because I had to get back home and get to bed since I was running the Homecoming 5k in the morning. The race started at 8, and I set my alarm for 7... which may not have been enough time. 

When my alarm went off I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. I was not in the best of moods, but I told myself I had to get up and do the race. So I got up, put on my running clothes, ate my breakfast and headed out the door. I parked at 7:45, had to go get my race packet, put on my bib and take my other things back to the car. I was exhausted and grumpy. And remember that social anxiety thing? Yea, there were over 2,000 people there. 
The run itself was tough. It was nice to be able to run through the campus of my alma mater, but it was TOUGH. I had intended on making a playlist specifically for this run and never got around to it, so I just had my music on shuffle which turned out to be nice because I heard this line:

You wanna raise your voice
Don't be scared to breathe
Don't be afraid to hurt
Don't be ashamed to need

And that really stuck out to me. I heard this during the last mile. The last 2 lines are totally me. If you've followed me from the beginning of this journey you know how much I put up a front so people don't see me hurting and I don't ask for help. I know I need to change this. 
This was definitely my worst race. My time was the slowest I think I've ever done. I was in a bad mood, tired, and just not in it. HOWEVER... I did run the whole thing. And I got to see some really pretty Colorado Fall scenery. 



I was mostly annoyed by the number of people just STANDING at the finish line. Luckily no one got the brunt of my anger. After the race I went home and crawled back in bed. I was excited for my 2 hour nap....

BUT COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP. 

So that annoyed me. I finally got up and showered and got ready for the football game, ran a couple errands and then went to meet everyone to tailgate. Going into it, I still wasn't feeling very social and I probably should have listened to myself when I felt that and I should just have stayed home. But I told myself that I had to go. 

I was still tired, weak and not feeling very social so the majority of the tailgate I sat in a chair and tried to relax. The game was a great one. I'm not very smart though and was in flip flops and a light jacket. And once that sun went down, boy, it was cold. (And I'm cold all the time)

Just before halftime, I got this from my brother:
"I bought this record today, in honor of grandpa. :)"
And I started to tear up. I wanted to go home, but introvert, awkward Jessica didn't know how to do that. I need to work on letting myself cry when it comes and I almost did, and then someone I was with turned around and looked at me and rather than explain what was happening I quickly shut those feelings down. 

I ended up staying for the whole game and we won in the last 4 seconds. YAY!!!! The second I got in my car, I started sneezing uncontrollably. Uh oh.... 

I had another early morning on Sunday having to go down to work. The day itself was fine. As I was getting packages ready to be mailed off to our college students, one of the members of our congregation sat in my office and talked to me. I was able to tell her about what I was going through and we had a very nice talk. It made me feel better. 

Since the sneezing fit Saturday night, I've come down with a bit of a cold. I sneeze a ton every morning when I first wake up and my energy is even lower than it already was. Awesome. I think I just overdid it this last weekend. I've had so much work to do and no motivation to do it. 

Tuesday morning I woke up and it was Cassandra's birthday. That was a hard day. They say the first year can be the hardest because it's the first of EVERYTHING without the person you lost. And so, it was the first birthday. Like so many other people, I wrote a message to her on Facebook and as I was writing it, my eyes welled up with tears and when that happens I just want to stay in bed and cry, but I had to get to work. It was just a tough day all around, not to mention the night before I'd had a dream that I was being chased by a murderer boyfriend so I didn't sleep very well. 
Tuesday night I had a very nice chat with one of my friends. It was refreshing to be so open and candid with her and talk about our love for fitness and food. It made me feel like I was ready to get back to that part of my life. 

I was starting to feel a little bit better yesterday morning. I got up and actually started doing some work... until my computer decided to lose what I was working on and all my motivation went out the window. We hadn't gotten the mail in a while, so right before leaving for work I walked to the mailbox to get the mail. 

Among other things, I got a card from my aunt....
And cue the tears. By the time I got to work, I was definitely not in the best of moods and again... just wanted to be in my bed where I could cry freely. 

Still not feeling great and now with this, I still managed to go to hip hop last night. 20 minutes in I was exhausted. The next 40 minutes were rough. I had moments of energy, but it didn't seem to last long. I did manage to push through the entire hour but I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally. Just exhausted. 

On my way home I heard a song that really resonated with me...

This has most definitely been one of my weakest days. (or weeks really...) but I have to hope that it's all making me stronger. 


Luckily I got most of my work finished last night (and moved a bunch of furniture since my carpets are being cleaned today) and was able to sleep in this morning. Luckily I have counseling this evening after work. 

I am very much looking forward to Saturday. I think we'll go back to my usual "self care Saturday" and spend most of it on the couch or in bed and probably also work on my memory book a little bit. From now on, I will not try to do too much, especially when I know it's a bad idea. Lesson learned. 

To better days
~Jessica 

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