Sunday, August 31, 2014

Week 1 to getting better

Update time!

I meant to post this sooner, but my internet has been out. (Not helpful) Comcast is not on my good list right now. But I digress...

I wasn't sure how my original post would go but for the most part, I have just been overwhelmed by the amount of people who are supporting me in this. And so many people have gone through similar things. Which leads me to the question: WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS MORE?? Hiding is a horrible way to do it. HORRIBLE. I've also heard the opposite side: that I shouldn't be sharing it, it's no one's business, etc. But ultimately it's my life and maybe some people do have that thought, but sharing has created MORE of a support group to me. So seriously, THANK YOU to all of those who have voiced your support. And no, I don't know how you can help me, but knowing that so many people are there if and when I do need help really offers me a sense of peace and comfort.

This past Wednesday was my first counseling appointment. I ended up going with a Christian counseling center. I really like my counselor. I was nervous going, but I told myself (with some outside help- thanks for that :) ) to open up because ultimately, that's what is going to help me. Did I tear up in my first session? Yep, sure did. But I got a lot of insight about what I've gone through in recent months and how it shouldn't come as a surprise that this is the outcome. I did get some homework. Yay I love homework! (Such a teacher...)

I haven't started yet, but I have picked out a few pictures to put in the memory book. I'm actually really excited about this part of my homework. I think it will really help me process through everything and create a great memento in the process. I'm also going to ask my family for any pictures/memories they may have. (With that being said, if any of you have any I would greatly appreciate them)

Eat better. So my eating is STILL OFF and it's frustrating me to no end. Last night at 6:30 I checked my calories and had only consumed 620 all day. And wasn't that hungry. I pushed myself to eat up to 1200 calories and then couldn't sleep because i felt so full. So that's rough. But I guess I'll keep working at it. I did hit up the Farmer's Market yesterday so that's good.

Working out. Okay, so working out has been nonexistent in my life for MONTHS. Every morning I wake up and say "I'm going to go for a run" and then i don't. I don't go after work because I haven't eaten enough throughout the day and don't want to pass out. It's awful. Yesterday morning I got up and went for a run. It wasn't great. I made it 1.75 miles, but I suppose it's better than nothing. One of my youth started training with my old trainer today so I tagged along to get in my 2nd workout for the week and it was ROUGH. I don't know if it was the depression or the fact that I just haven't been pushing myself to that caliber in a long time, but it was ROUGH. A good workout, but definitely hard for me to face the reality.

Self Care. Okay, as someone who has been a massive workaholic and CRAZY BUSY all the time since college, self care has always been hard for me. I tried really hard to focus on this yesterday. I went to the Farmer's Market (YAY!) and Target to get a few things for the house.
I also attempted to deal with Comcast (that's 2 hours I won't get back) and then watched tv and laid in bed and read magazines. Good self care day. I am going to try to aim for that again tomorrow since I have the day off of work. 

I'm trying, I really am. On the outside, I think I look like happy Jessica. It is a struggle and I still have my sad moments...

In my search for pictures for my memory book, I found this one. It was taken the day after my grandpa died. We were in Seattle doing a prayer walk and then reflecting on it. Seeing this picture honestly just breaks my heart. I was trying so hard to stay strong, but also deal with my emotions. Other people have said I just look pensive in it. When I look, I just see so much sadness. Getting through this sadness is going to be hard (I have complicated grief) but unfortunately, there is no way around it. I have to go through it. So here goes another week of this...

As far as meds go, we are going to see how I do with counseling and the if I feel stagnant, we will try the meds. 

Thank you for going on this journey for me. For telling me about your struggles. For being a support for me. But thank you for your presence in my life. 

To better days
~Jessica 

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