A Life Of Gymspiration

To be honest, I kind of forgot I had this blog and it popped up the other day and I thought maybe it's time to revamp it, even if only for myself. When I originally started this blog it was because I was at the peak of my fitness journey. I'd lost about 35 pounds and was only a few pounds from my goal weight. I had become this fit girl who loved working out and cooking healthy. I started the blog because one of my friends at work said "Hey, you should start a blog!" and I really thought it would be great if I could help people. And then life happened. I picked up a second job I switched my main job I trained for a triathlon (more on that in a second) I was diagnosed with depression I started a long distance relationship I lost my second job I moved to California My life is extremely different than it was when I first started this "fitness journey". When I started, I was a full time preschool teacher. I had the one job. I had no boyfriend, childr...

I  have been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks. And I have decided the word I hate more than anything is..... JUST It's weird right??? Probably not what you were thinking. Let me explain why for a minute.  All through my life,this word has been used to define me one way or another. Here are a few examples. Just a girl Just a preschool teacher (Do you ever want to be a real teacher or is this it?") Just an aide Just have a bachelors degree. Just an HDFS student Just a babysitter/nanny I just lost 35 pounds I just ran a 5k I just did a sprint triathlon I just came in dead last Just an average student I could keep going but I Think you get the point. I recently started tutoring and I love it. One reason is because I have people (parents) who are looking to me for help and they ask me for advice and treat me like I am educated and for the most part. I have not gotten that before. I have heard people say to just ignore it and not listen to...

So today marks one year since my last day working for a church. One year ago, I left the church and honestly..... have barely set foot in a church since. I went to my mom's church (the church in which I grew up) a few times (Palm Sunday, Easter, once in the summer and Christmas Eve) but other than that this girl has been a non-church-goer. To be honest, what I went through a year ago has kind of left me bitter and scarred when it comes to the church. It left me with a really bad taste in my mouth. As time passed, people who told me would keep in touch didn't and I even got to hear first hand some people saying some really ugly things about me... As if the transition wasn't hard enough. It wasn't all bad though. I have a handful of people who have remained faithful and supportive friends throughout the last year. Oh yea... and in the last year I moved to California. :) In July, I packed up all my stuff in a Penske truck that Dan got to drive from Colorado to Cali...

Well apparently I haven't blogged in about 6 months. And a whole lot has happened in those 6 months. 6 months ago my life looked like this: Working part time teaching preschool. Evenings and Weekends doing work for my job at the church as the Director of Education and Youth. 50-60 hour work weeks, most of them without a day off. Dealing with a long distance relationship. Battling depression. Trying really hard to keep my head above water as best I could. Let's just say my life doesn't exactly look like that these days. Back in February, I was walking down the hall of the church when my "boss" came up to me and said "Your life group is going to meet at this time... and next Saturday I am going to take you out for dinner!" The exchange was so quick that I didn't really have time to respond or think about things. A part of me had a feeling that something was awry, but I told myself to calm down and not stress for a week.... We would cross that bri...

I have been slacking on blogging. Probably because most nights I work until about midnight and don't even have time to journal.... But today I feel the need to write. The last couple months have been interesting to say the least. If you read my last post, you remember that I had just started seeing a personal trainer. To say the least, I was not her biggest fan. I am finished training with her and despite her trying really hard, I am "on my own". I still really struggle with getting to the gym though. I really need to work on that. However I did lose a pound in the last week so that's progress.... Back in September, Dan and I met up in Las Vegas (NO WE DID NOT GET MARRIED) to go to a wedding of a friend of mine. We had a wonderful time there and it was great to have some time for just the two of us. I had been on a GREAT streak of my fitness... I'd worked out 6 days in a row (which hasn't happened in over a year).... And then I came down with the st...

There have been a few "One Year" anniversaries since I have blogged. There was the one year anniversary of Grandpa's death back in June. I started writing a blog entry about that, but never finished it... But most recently was the one year since being diagnosed with depression. With it being a year down this road, it has made me evaluate where I was and where I am now. I have made A LOT of progress, but I still don't feel like I am where I need to be. I am still on meds and still have days when I struggle. Still, for the most part I can function. Dan was here for 7 weeks this summer and it was wonderful. On the flip side, though... When he had to go back to California I was a complete wreck. Initially I told myself that when he left I was going to get a ton of stuff done (like housework and errands), but when he left all I could do was lay in bed and cry. (I was able to go to work, but cried there too). I should have been productive that Saturday but all I did was...

It's been quite a while since I have blogged. A little over a month ago I made an appointment with my doctor to re-evaluate my meds. I had felt like things weren't getting better and I'd hit some situational things and we decided perhaps I needed to increase my meds. So we did. Increased the Zoloft to 75 mg a day and also decided to revisit in about a month and if things were not better to add in Welbutrin. Zoloft is a stabilizer and Welbutrin is more of an "upper". My life lately has been slightly out of control. In the words of my mother, I just can't seem to catch a break. :( My stress level has been through the roof and it seems like everything just keeps going wrong and I'm getting overwhelmed and frustrated with life in general. But things aren't all that bad. I took a short (4 day) vacation to California which was WONDERFUL. It seems, though, that as wonderful as that trip was ever since I got back I'm just as (if not more) overwhelmed...

Tonight was week 5 of GriefShare. Yes, I'm still going. There was some question about how helpful it was since a part of me felt like I was more of a helper/leader than I was a "participant". But I am getting some healing out of it, so I continue on. Last Tuesday was Grandpa's birthday. The morning was a little rough and I listened to my "Grandpa" playlist on my way to work. One thing I noticed was that I can now listen to "How Great Thou Art" without breaking into tears. That has to be progress, right? Work itself went okay. Kelly brought me flowers and a sweet card so that helped. After work I had a staff meeting and the way it all worked out was really unfortunate. It was on a Tuesday which is when I have GriefShare, which I thought would be really good for me with it being Grandpa's birthday, but the meeting with mandatory. GriefShare is in Loveland at 7, and my meeting was in Greeley at 6:15. We got out a little after 7, so I book...

Tonight was my second week of GriefShare which I'll be honest, I was less than thrilled about. I did my 5 daily exercises this week and it seemed like so much of it would have been helpful to do back in August when I was first diagnosed with depression and starting to go through things. For the most part the last week was actually really good. Things seem to be falling back into place and going really well. In fact, they are going SO well I almost didn't call my doctor to increase my meds... But the last time I thought things were going great they came crashing down again, thus the need to increase the meds. So I did it anyway. I suppose it's better to stabilize my emotions, rather than deal with the roller coaster that has been my life. Saturday I had to be at the church to make chili with the youth and it really put a lot of things into perspective for me. Last year I didn't make it there in time for chili making. Casey handled everything for me because I was stil...

Have you ever heard of GriefShare? I never had until my counselor told me about it a few months back. The best way to describe it is it's like an AA meeting for people dealing with grief. When I first heard about it, I looked into it but all the sessions were nearing the end.... And while they say you can start at any time, I'm slightly OCD and needed to start at week 1. So I waited it out and started tonight. One of the rules of GriefShare is that what we talk about stays there, so I will not be blogging about what other people say. More my reaction to what is said. Each week we will watch a video and have a discussion. During the week I have 5 different days of exercises to do in my workbook. One thing I've really struggled with in most of my depression and grief work is my relationship. As I deal with the losses of Cassandra and my grandpa, I feel like other people think I shouldn't still be focused on them. In the books I've read and the people I've ...

When I went on Zoloft, my doctor said she wanted to see me back in 3 months to see how things were going. There was a big mix up with my prescription getting refilled which led to a freak out on my part because what happens if I run out and don't have a refill? So I set up the dandy little 3 month appointment. It was with a different doctor because my doctor was pregnant when I first started seeing her and is now gone. Sad. I really liked her. Now here's the thing... With the beginning of the year I was feeling like things were starting fresh. I was back to eating healthy, I was actually going to the gym, I'd signed up to do yet another 21 day challenge AND I'd signed up for a Run 2,015 miles in 2015 and I knew I could do it. Things were looking GREAT. And so I went in to my appointment and told her how well things were going... I was taking my meds, I was going to counseling, I was going to get into a support group, LIFE. WAS. GOOD. So she said she'd write my...

It has finally come to say goodbye to 2014. Or in my case it's more like a "Good riddance. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" 2014 has been the hardest year of my 30 years of life. Even the year my dad was going through chemo didn't seem this bad. Maybe because that was one thing where as this year has been one thing after another. Still.... it hasn't been all bad. So let's take a little journey through 2014. JANUARY The year started off with me being SURE it was going to be a great one... By the end of the month, I lost a friend in the same week that I saw a friend and his wife deal with the death of their little girl. I had to work the day my friend died and thank goodness for Casey who let me just sit in my office and cry while he led youth group until I was ready to do our balloon release. These kids are so great and let me grieve and just do whatever I needed to do. They joined me for the balloo...